Do not go by
the title, for what I am writing about wasn’t exactly planned, not unlike most
events in life. At the end of four-and-a-half years of study at a premier
educational institute in the country, I think there is no better time than now
for reflection. If the writing seems like a conversation with myself, do not
blame me. I am thinking out loud. The title says ‘whimsically’, after all!
Four and a half
years is not a short time. Just to gain perspective: Tendulkar was still playing, Obama
was President of the US, ISIS had not yet gained global prominence, Dhinchak
Pooja was unheard of, humans were more important than cows and the Rs.1000 note
was in transaction. (More locally, the hostel in which I am now did not exist!)
I was at that crucial juncture in my life: choosing a career. I had just turned
18. Old enough to vote in elections, I was supposed to know what I wanted in
life, wasn’t I? Armed now with the wisdom of hindsight, I can say that not many
of us know for sure. Rather, let me speak for myself than making sweeping
generalizations. I thought I knew the destination but I did not know how
to get there.
I had a rough
outline of what to do. IITs and NITs – those haloed institutions – had never
been my target. My rankings in state entrance exams would not allow me to get
into medical. Like every other eighteen year old
in the country, I would get into engineering in one of the colleges in
Bengaluru, get a degree at the end of four years and then decide on the course
of life. Not many people from middle-class Indian families get into engineering
because they are passionate about it. I had not considered basic sciences as an
option and was not even aware of the existence of IISERs. A keen uncle and a
design of fate combined to land me in IISER – Kolkata. Having fared badly in
JEE mains (a formality), I was so confident of not clearing the IISER aptitude
test that I did not bother thinking through the order of preference of IISERs
during the document verification before the test. Perhaps, the only reason I
chose this was because it was not mainstream and I had always wanted to stay in
a hostel for some years (five years is a little too much, though); or if you
believe some accounts in the familial circle, because I wanted to go visit
Sourav Ganguly’s house!
Back home, my
elder brother and I had studied in the same school and pre-university college,
because of which recognition came without much effort. ‘Sustaining the recognition
and creating my identity were because of my efforts’ I would convince myself.
Now, here I was – in an institution a couple of thousand kilometers away, with
a large chunk of population speaking a different language and having a
different cuisine. I had always depended on my linguistic abilities, especially
Kannada, in a quest for identity. Would it be of any help here? Or was my
identity dependent on my brother? Though funny in hindsight, it was one of the
earliest challenges I faced within myself in that transition from boyhood to
being an adult.
This is a science
institute. There were people who said physics and football were their passions –
two things I never got a complete hang of! People were haggling over a couple
of marks in some exam. ‘It is a matter of principle, not marks’ they justified.
Yet there I was, hovering around an eight-point, at peace with myself. Was I
being laid back? Or was I losing my ‘competitive edge’? Or was it all I was
capable of? In a batch of
nearly hundred and fifty, I would be an ‘also ran’ at the end of five years, at
that rate. This quest for identity and search for safe spaces prompted me to
join the Dramatics and Literary Clubs, which have given me wonderful
friendships. One thing led to another and I made an identity for myself over
the years and stepped back before I could unmake it (hopefully!).
My first year
made me feel that a career in science was my life’s calling, pointers aside. I
would be the first PhD recipient in my family. Meanwhile, people around me were making
frantic attempts to get into summer internships. I gave into peer pressure and took
up internships in my first two summers. It was then I decided that I did not
want to build a life in academia or research. A PhD has become mainstream (or
is this a case of ‘sour grapes’?). One should not get into a PhD simply because
there seems to be no other option in sight at the end of graduation. My
strengths, I believe, are different. Having given it some thought, I now have a
clearer picture of where I want to see myself. While knowing what you want is
important, knowing what you don’t want is equally, if not more,
important.
During my stay
here, I have seen the institute transform, in terms of infrastructure and
ambience. Perhaps the only plan I have had is to gain new experiences. I tried
serving in some capacity on the fest organizing committee and the student body.
It was not entirely out of a sense of giving back to the institute. It was in
part because of an attempt at understanding myself and creating my own space. This
search led me to sign up for being a teaching assistant for the incoming batch
this year. I thoroughly enjoyed it (though I am not sure if they did). I
studied more than perhaps what I had studied in my first year, in my attempt to
teach. It was this search for variety which made me take up the project I am
pursuing for my thesis.
I have made
friends, lost them and moved on. There
have been people who have taught valuable life lessons; moments that I cherish.
I have met people who seem to have clearly chalked out plans of where they want
to intern in which year – a clear roadmap. I only wish I had that much clarity
in the beginning. Sadly, I have also seen people who are over-competitive; people
to who person to person relationships are transactional. I have seen
discussions turning into fights and personal attacks. I have seen people
isolating themselves in pockets, with people who echo their opinions and no
space for difference. There is what I perceive to be a general decline in
enthusiasm to contribute to anything in the institute. Are we losing a sense of
community or is this overthinking? Are the priorities changing? Is it just a
reflection of the increasing individualism in society, fueled by growing trends
of instant gratification on social media? Am I attempting to make connections
between two unrelated phenomena? How do we change the trend? These are questions
to which I have no answer.
Five years in a
hostel and we are equipped with a basic survival tool box, comprising of
independence, responsibility and confidence (or so I would like to believe).
However, will we be able to successfully put it into use while facing the real
world? Will our degree actually show us the way? Will we actually realize what
we desire? Only time will tell. When we finally step out of the institute a semester
from now (hopefully!), will there be a sigh of relief? Or will it be a farewell
with a heavy heart? The countdown has begun.
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